Long Day

Today is my first day back at my weekday job since before Christmas. Today is a punishing day. Not because I hate my job, but just because there's not much to do. I have stuff planned after 2:30PM, but for now I'm stuck here waiting for something and with nothing else to do, so I decided I'd write something.

One big theme at my job is personal development. Being all you can be, being a 'tall poppy' and being proud of it etc. It all seems a bit wanky but I also think it's been very helpful. It's nice to be an environment where people are encouraged to do their best and be happy (because half the people I meet in my own life seem to be committed to the art of not being happy). The '21 Suggestions for Success' is framed on a wall in the office and I've always felt that it speaks the truth. The full list can be found here.

The list gives a great summary of the kind of character traits that I think are important. A lot is already traits I try to have (being honest, loyal, caring, committed to self improvement, try and treat people how I'd like to be treated etc.) but I think it's also put ideas in my head that are helping me improve as a person. I used to find I could be quite indecisive a lot of the time, but now I just think to myself "be decisive, even if means you'll be wrong sometimes" and I make my choice.

Mother Nature

I wrote this cool little short story on Saturday. I had the first idea in the morning, drafted it out on paper during the day and then typed it up that night. It's called 'Mother Nature'. I wrote it because it deals with an issue that seems to afflict me a lot. I have very high standards of how I conduct myself and because of that, I also have high standards of other people. I find that often I set the bar too high and I need to remind myself that no one is perfect. People won't always do what I think they should be doing.

"Mother Nature"

Today I’m not feeling very happy. I have a special friend that I go see when I’m not happy. She has the most beautiful home in the world. Sometimes she’s too busy to give me the best advice, she always listens. I feel bad that I only go see her when I’m not happy, but I know she understands. I’m going to go see her today. I hope she has time to give me advice.

It doesn’t take me very long to walk to her home because she is pretty much my neighbour. I have the path memorised for myself, but I’ll describe it to you because you may need her help one day. She is a very good listener. I’m sure she’d listen to you too. I walk out my back door and follow the brown dirt path until it hits a little river. The river is very little, so I call it Little River. Here I always stop for a second to look at the little fish in Little River. Some days they seem to stop and say ‘hi!’ to me, some days they don’t. Oh well. I then follow the river north for what feels like aeons and where a big branch has fallen across the river, I cross. I walk straight ahead from here and then I need to push my way through some little Angry Shrubs. The Angry Shrubs seem to have made it their life’s mission to keep my special friend and I apart because they seem to get bigger and more annoying every time I come here. Oh well. Once I have forced my way past the Angry Shrubs, the forest finishes and there is a little cliff face looking out over a gigantic grassy plain. I call it Baby Cliff because one day I hope it grows up into the big cliffs I see on the TV sometimes. This is my special friend’s home. It is such a beautiful place.

In the late afternoons the setting sun casts it’s red glow over my special friends’ home and I always panic for a second. I think everything is on fire! My special friends home is on fire! Then I realise that is stupid and I should be grateful: the sun is just being a little artist and painting a beautiful picture for my special friend and I to enjoy. Oh yes, I almost forgot to introduce you to myself special friend. Her name is Mother Nature. She is everywhere here. She is a very good listener.

I sit down, hanging my legs over Baby Cliff. It is mid afternoon and the world is silent, even the wind and the animals seem to have gone on vacation somewhere. My special friend and I have her whole home to ourselves. Now feels like the perfect time for me to speak.

“Mother Nature, today I am upset because I feel like everyone always lets me down. It is a constant source of grief in my life. I just can’t be happy with the people around me because they always seem to let me down. I just don’t like how they act sometimes. I don’t feel they live up to the standards I expect of them.”, I paused for a second to collect my thoughts. I wanted to be careful. I don’t like to cry in front of my special friend.

“My parents tell me to not swear and I try my best not to because I know it’s wrong but then I hear them swearing and while I do really love them, I still feel let down. I know it’s wrong to chuck a wobbly to get your way but then I see my older sister yell and scream at mum and dad to get what she wants and while she’s great most of the time, I still feel let down. My best friend John always lies to his parents saying he’s coming over to study, when all we do is kick the soccer ball. It’s really fun, but I know being sincere is important, so I feel let down.”, I paused again for a second. I was starting to sniffle. That meant I’d cry soon. I had to be careful. I continued:

“I met this girl named Sally at school. I used to think she was really cool. The other day she showed me this thing called a ‘lighter’. It made flames. I thought it was so cool. I asked her where she got it because I wanted one too. She said she stole it off her parents. I know stealing is very wrong so I felt let down. The next day I told her we couldn’t be friends anymore. She didn’t seem to understand why.”, this time I needed to stop for ages, I felt a single tear roll down my cheek and disappear. I felt bad that my special friend had to see me this way. I try to be strong, but sometimes I struggle when I’m emotional. I wasn’t finished talking to her, so I had to take a couple of deep breaths and continue:

“What is wrong with me Mother Nature? I have made everyone in my life a let down to me. I don’t think it’s them, I think it’s me. Are my standards too high? Am I meant to feel let down all the time? Is that just the way life is?”, I was starting to cry too much, I was finished.

The moment I stopped speaking, I closed my eyes and started to breathe softly. I was trying to become one with my special friend’s home. I hoped it would make her think I was worthy of a reply. I do this every time I finish speaking to her. Deep down, while she is my special friend, I didn’t think she’d have time for such trivial matters today.

Just as I was about to open my eyes and head home, I felt the wind start to pick up around me. I let the whooshes and swishes of the wind float into my body through my ears and start to tickle my soul. I could faintly hear something foreign in the wind, for the first time in my life, my special friend had decided to speak to me.

Her voice sounded like a beautiful choir playing far enough away that I could just make out their lyrics if I tried my hardest to focus. “Yes and no my little friend,” she whispered into my ear. “Any human being able to survive this world without being let down is would be a very lucky human being indeed. You are forgetting one important detail here: That every human being is just that, a human being. No one is perfect my little friend. You must teach yourself how to embrace them as they are…”

Lupe fiasco

Lupe fiasco is a character that has always interested me. While looking at the wikipedia page for his first album 'Food and Liquor', I found this quote that exemplifies the reasons why I find him so interesting:

'The title reflects on me being Muslim and being from the streets,' says Lupe about FOOD & LIQUOR. 'In Chicago, instead having bodegas like in New York, the majority of the corner stores are called ‘Food and Liquors.' The store is where everything is at, whether it be the wine-o hanging by the store, or us as kids going back and forth to the store to buy something. The ‘Food' is the good part and the ‘Liquors' is the bad part. I try to balance out both parts of me.'

A Muslim in a genre where so many people seem to be concerned about nothing more than drugs, money and sex is interesting by default, his need to find the balance between yin and yang in his own life is even more intriguing. I think he'd be a cool person to talk life with.

Thanks against me

You allow me to describe something so complex so easily:

"You cant get what you want from me and I can't get what I need from you"

today

today feels like a mission and I'm only just about to leave the house haha, I'm smiling though so all is alright. I'll make sure to listen to something happy in the last 4 minutes before I need to go.e

I started to proclaim the fact that I feel accomplished today already and it's only 9:42. I had an idea for a little story this morning and I actually made myself get out of bed and put down the basic structure before I started my real day. I think I just posted this so hopefully one day someone will bug me about it and then I'll actually be motivated to finish it because someone wants to read it haha.

here's some Bane lyrics too, I was reminded recently how great they are:

...and did i mention that there are still those days where i can hardly lift my head up from the pillow or looking out the window of the plane rooting for disaster? sometimes i just run out of reasons but the clock keeps ticking and the minutes keep coming and all i can do is rise to slaughter the hours let the air of these days killing time staring into corners or at strands of her hair waiting for the call that tells me where to next wishing i could trade these stupid words for hollow point shells before every move that i make equals check-mate did i just say her? this song is not for her no matter what i've said or longed for or that her name still moves along these walls lives in this pen (i've made promises) this song is for Buk, for 'Trane, for Wes, and for Marty who keeps their barrels oiled and ready the few that i would trade ten days to spend one hour with rare like a ruby at the bottom of the sea beautiful like the sparrow in the kittens jaw

and here is the happy song I put on just now:

2 important concepts

I was thinking about this tonight so I thought I might write about it. These are two concepts that I hold dear to my heart, ideas that I try to base my life around. I think they make sense.

The first is 'sustainability', not in the environmental sense, but in the personal sense. It is a very similar basic idea though, act in a way that will last in the long term. I believe strongly in looking at where certain behaviours will lead to in 1, 5, 10 ,20 years if I continue with that certain behaviour. It works with any situation, large or small. ie. If I use my friends and treat them like shit... at some point in time it will all fall apart and I will have no friends, if I spend too much money and live outside my means... I will be forever plagued with debt, if I keep dealing with people that emotionally drain me... one day I will fall apart and collapse, if I have no ambition to get out of the basic jobs I work now... in 10 years time it won't be as cool to work at a supermarket anymore etc. You get the idea. It is a very simple and powerful concept. I try and apply it to every part of my life and I think it serves to keep me in check fairly well. Sometimes I manage to get past it and act in ways that are obviously not sustainable, but the idea is so drummed into my head that the warning bells are always ringing and I have nothing to say to myself except 'told you so' when the unsustainable situation inevitably falls apart.

The next concept runs deeper, I call it 'permanence', it's my understanding of the interaction between friends. I believe that our close friends and groups of friends are a constantly evolving creature and should always be treated as such. I've seen so many situations where people get so caught up in the idea of a single 'best friend' that they give all of themselves to one person and are then ruined when that person leaves for whatever reason (person moves away, maybe issues in the friendship etc.) or fails to reciprocate the oneness expected by the other person. To me the concept of one 'best friend' seems like a childish idea. It just doesn't work in the adult world because it doesn't take into account ambition. I wish the best for all my close friends and I love to see people with big goals, even if those goals means they have to move away, have less time to hang out etc. I know that their may be another time when we will hang out again or maybe we'll just catch up every now and then, I don't mind. I don't want my friends to feel obliged to stick around for my sake, there's always other cool people looking for someone to hang out with.

This point can often become my achilles heel though. So many of my friends are busy with work, girlfriends, study etc. and because I don't want to be a burden, even when people say they'll always be there, I rarely call someone up when I just need someone to talk to. I normally just wait out the loneliness, try and sleep it off. thankfully, not too much of that has happened lately though and the last time it did, someone was there to hang out, I didn't even need to talk... just hang out.

I guess the issue with my view is that it keeps me from being very close to any one person, because I know that by nature, anybody, no matter how many years of friendship, needs to be replaceable. This is where the concept of sustainability comes into play here as well and we now cover the last close human interaction: relationships. I have spent most of my adult life searching for a long term relationship because of these concepts. I do want someone to be there for me, I do want someone that I can be close to all the time etc., but by definition, the only way that it can be sustainable is when you're in a relationship. It's the situation where it's a requirement to include someone else in your actions, my friends can happily decide to move overseas, move interstate etc. without considering me in their actions... but a girlfriend could not do the same. I think that is why I chase being in a relationship so much, because I rob myself of an extreme closeness with one person because it's not sustainable.

ps. sorry this writing is rough as hell, but the ideas are there...

Independence

It's kinda funny how quickly your feeling of independence can shatter around you. I've always prided myself on being an independent character (I drive, I solve my own problems, I pay my own way etc.), but such little things can put you in a state where you need the help of another. I came off my skateboard this afternoon and banged my elbow. It seemed fine at the time but now I can barely move my elbow at all. I managed to drive left handed to the doctor and now my x-ray, but I certainly don't feel like I could drive any decent distance. I don't even know if I'll be able to go to work tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll be able to manage driving to my friends' house tonight for dinner. My sister is coming over at 4 to drive me to a house inspection. I feel the worst! Not even because of the pain, I can deal with that, the ease of being stupidly reliant on other people is what kills me.


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Sleigh Bells!

The guitarist from when Poison the Well were amazing and a complete babe playing the catchiest music you've ever heard. They look like they mean business in this film clip:



So stoked to be seeing them in January.

Orwell

For Christmas, a friend gave me a copy of little book containing a few essay's written by George Orwell. The first essay (and the name of the book) is Why I Write, I think it was a really cool short read and due to the fact that it was written so long ago it's out of copyright and can be read online for free here. Go! All of Orwell's novels are actually available to read on the same website, but due to the fact that I'd hate to read a decent sized novel on a computer screen, I'd recommend getting the books. Animal Farm is pretty short though, you should all just read it online, you can find it here.

Broken

If my hands broken
It's broken in two
If my minds open
It's not open to you
If my heads soaking
It's soaking in brew