A Danger to Myself and Others

I've been really digging the new Most Precious Blood album lately. It ticks all the boxes of a good hardcore album: heavy, angry and decently intelligent. These are the lyrics to the first song 'A Danger to Myself and Others', they're a bit bleak to start with, but I dig the sentiment at the end:

This is my most heartfelt spit in the face
to every one of you who represent this place.
Every word is a knife between the ribs
of every single member of the fucking human race.
Live day by day because life is cold.
It's apathetic and ill-disposed.
No one makes the promise that you'll survive.
When death sees fit to close your eyes it keeps them closed.
This is a place only for those who endure and recognize
the simplest law of nature: you die if you don't grow.
The law of these times: abandon all hope.

Running

life feels like a constant battle between heart and mind
preaching robotic logic while struggling to get out of bed on time
fueled by self blame and self loathing
chased by a constant fear of failing
as I run from the present, run from the past
failing to realise, the writing's already on the glass
drunk with purpose, seeing in black and white
claiming to hate arrogance, still thinking I'm right
judge my enemies, judge my friends
claim to want peace, but won't let the issues end
cut the brakes so there's no way out
it's either hit the wall or ride it out

oh harro

I haven't posted a real blog in ages it seems. Tonight I was looking through a new pile of records I had and I found some really cool lyrics in a place I wasn't really expecting to find cool, personal lyrics, the last Remembering Never album. About feeling like you're nothing, but at the same time accepting it and moving on with things I guess.

"Please Don't Let My Mother Read This"

From the bottom of the barrel
And I'm still here
We all would like to think that we are more important than we are
I am nothing
It's not hard to understand
I've known it all along since birth
I've never had a sense of pride
I've never had a shred of hope
Believing in myself would be the death of my sincerity
Kill the lights
Face to face with myself
I know that I am nothing
Face to face with myself
I am nothing
This isn't a cry for help
This isn't reaching out
I wonder what this life would be like without me
This isn't even close to my suicide note

Dead Ends

Some days there just seems to be no motivation. Not a single thought in my head seems homogeneous enough to yield even a line of worthy prose.

You know what?

It's almost humourous how rude I can be to myself some days.

Lights Out

A finale is a finale. No open ended cliffhanger endings. No director's cuts. No sequels. Certainly no remakes.

Why is it so hard to create new ideas that we're instead content with making a mockery of old ones?

Given Flight by Demon's Wings

This way always one of my favourite Shai Hulud songs. I think the point it makes is very intelligent and deals with an issue that a lot of people see: how the good nature of people can be destroyed by the world around us. I always saw the character in the song as a gentle person at heart lamenting the fact that he feels the world has turned him into a monster. I feel like some days I can relate. When I meet people that seem bitter about the world, it makes me think about this song.


this is not my true nature.
i was not born as what i have come to be.

to be gentle again...

an angel's heart given flight by demon's wings faces certain death.

do not let this exterior deceive you.
i can easily crush your spirit.
my wounds bleed truth,
their voices are caustic,
and with the words...
a nasty sting from aim and precision of fact.

"how can you be so cruel?"

it is not who i am,
as it is the hate i feel.

i am a demon,
a vicious fiend.
let me alone.
i am a demon with a penchant
for other's misery.
i am a demon,
a vicious fiend.
let me alone
in peace
to be the beast of a man
the world has made me.

i am prepared to fight humanity every day
for the rest of my life,
albeit, my mind and body
yearn for tranquility.

people that should earn my love
consistently warrant my hate.
i truly resent this.

breathe easy, friend.
let not bitter fruit sour your breath.
you were once a gentleman.

when friends fail,
and mother is gone;
when god is silent,
and mates fall out of love...

i still wake to confrontation,
alone, and unflinching.

i am not simply strong,
i may very well be the strongest man
that ever lived.

Long Day

Today is my first day back at my weekday job since before Christmas. Today is a punishing day. Not because I hate my job, but just because there's not much to do. I have stuff planned after 2:30PM, but for now I'm stuck here waiting for something and with nothing else to do, so I decided I'd write something.

One big theme at my job is personal development. Being all you can be, being a 'tall poppy' and being proud of it etc. It all seems a bit wanky but I also think it's been very helpful. It's nice to be an environment where people are encouraged to do their best and be happy (because half the people I meet in my own life seem to be committed to the art of not being happy). The '21 Suggestions for Success' is framed on a wall in the office and I've always felt that it speaks the truth. The full list can be found here.

The list gives a great summary of the kind of character traits that I think are important. A lot is already traits I try to have (being honest, loyal, caring, committed to self improvement, try and treat people how I'd like to be treated etc.) but I think it's also put ideas in my head that are helping me improve as a person. I used to find I could be quite indecisive a lot of the time, but now I just think to myself "be decisive, even if means you'll be wrong sometimes" and I make my choice.

Mother Nature

I wrote this cool little short story on Saturday. I had the first idea in the morning, drafted it out on paper during the day and then typed it up that night. It's called 'Mother Nature'. I wrote it because it deals with an issue that seems to afflict me a lot. I have very high standards of how I conduct myself and because of that, I also have high standards of other people. I find that often I set the bar too high and I need to remind myself that no one is perfect. People won't always do what I think they should be doing.

"Mother Nature"

Today I’m not feeling very happy. I have a special friend that I go see when I’m not happy. She has the most beautiful home in the world. Sometimes she’s too busy to give me the best advice, she always listens. I feel bad that I only go see her when I’m not happy, but I know she understands. I’m going to go see her today. I hope she has time to give me advice.

It doesn’t take me very long to walk to her home because she is pretty much my neighbour. I have the path memorised for myself, but I’ll describe it to you because you may need her help one day. She is a very good listener. I’m sure she’d listen to you too. I walk out my back door and follow the brown dirt path until it hits a little river. The river is very little, so I call it Little River. Here I always stop for a second to look at the little fish in Little River. Some days they seem to stop and say ‘hi!’ to me, some days they don’t. Oh well. I then follow the river north for what feels like aeons and where a big branch has fallen across the river, I cross. I walk straight ahead from here and then I need to push my way through some little Angry Shrubs. The Angry Shrubs seem to have made it their life’s mission to keep my special friend and I apart because they seem to get bigger and more annoying every time I come here. Oh well. Once I have forced my way past the Angry Shrubs, the forest finishes and there is a little cliff face looking out over a gigantic grassy plain. I call it Baby Cliff because one day I hope it grows up into the big cliffs I see on the TV sometimes. This is my special friend’s home. It is such a beautiful place.

In the late afternoons the setting sun casts it’s red glow over my special friends’ home and I always panic for a second. I think everything is on fire! My special friends home is on fire! Then I realise that is stupid and I should be grateful: the sun is just being a little artist and painting a beautiful picture for my special friend and I to enjoy. Oh yes, I almost forgot to introduce you to myself special friend. Her name is Mother Nature. She is everywhere here. She is a very good listener.

I sit down, hanging my legs over Baby Cliff. It is mid afternoon and the world is silent, even the wind and the animals seem to have gone on vacation somewhere. My special friend and I have her whole home to ourselves. Now feels like the perfect time for me to speak.

“Mother Nature, today I am upset because I feel like everyone always lets me down. It is a constant source of grief in my life. I just can’t be happy with the people around me because they always seem to let me down. I just don’t like how they act sometimes. I don’t feel they live up to the standards I expect of them.”, I paused for a second to collect my thoughts. I wanted to be careful. I don’t like to cry in front of my special friend.

“My parents tell me to not swear and I try my best not to because I know it’s wrong but then I hear them swearing and while I do really love them, I still feel let down. I know it’s wrong to chuck a wobbly to get your way but then I see my older sister yell and scream at mum and dad to get what she wants and while she’s great most of the time, I still feel let down. My best friend John always lies to his parents saying he’s coming over to study, when all we do is kick the soccer ball. It’s really fun, but I know being sincere is important, so I feel let down.”, I paused again for a second. I was starting to sniffle. That meant I’d cry soon. I had to be careful. I continued:

“I met this girl named Sally at school. I used to think she was really cool. The other day she showed me this thing called a ‘lighter’. It made flames. I thought it was so cool. I asked her where she got it because I wanted one too. She said she stole it off her parents. I know stealing is very wrong so I felt let down. The next day I told her we couldn’t be friends anymore. She didn’t seem to understand why.”, this time I needed to stop for ages, I felt a single tear roll down my cheek and disappear. I felt bad that my special friend had to see me this way. I try to be strong, but sometimes I struggle when I’m emotional. I wasn’t finished talking to her, so I had to take a couple of deep breaths and continue:

“What is wrong with me Mother Nature? I have made everyone in my life a let down to me. I don’t think it’s them, I think it’s me. Are my standards too high? Am I meant to feel let down all the time? Is that just the way life is?”, I was starting to cry too much, I was finished.

The moment I stopped speaking, I closed my eyes and started to breathe softly. I was trying to become one with my special friend’s home. I hoped it would make her think I was worthy of a reply. I do this every time I finish speaking to her. Deep down, while she is my special friend, I didn’t think she’d have time for such trivial matters today.

Just as I was about to open my eyes and head home, I felt the wind start to pick up around me. I let the whooshes and swishes of the wind float into my body through my ears and start to tickle my soul. I could faintly hear something foreign in the wind, for the first time in my life, my special friend had decided to speak to me.

Her voice sounded like a beautiful choir playing far enough away that I could just make out their lyrics if I tried my hardest to focus. “Yes and no my little friend,” she whispered into my ear. “Any human being able to survive this world without being let down is would be a very lucky human being indeed. You are forgetting one important detail here: That every human being is just that, a human being. No one is perfect my little friend. You must teach yourself how to embrace them as they are…”

Lupe fiasco

Lupe fiasco is a character that has always interested me. While looking at the wikipedia page for his first album 'Food and Liquor', I found this quote that exemplifies the reasons why I find him so interesting:

'The title reflects on me being Muslim and being from the streets,' says Lupe about FOOD & LIQUOR. 'In Chicago, instead having bodegas like in New York, the majority of the corner stores are called ‘Food and Liquors.' The store is where everything is at, whether it be the wine-o hanging by the store, or us as kids going back and forth to the store to buy something. The ‘Food' is the good part and the ‘Liquors' is the bad part. I try to balance out both parts of me.'

A Muslim in a genre where so many people seem to be concerned about nothing more than drugs, money and sex is interesting by default, his need to find the balance between yin and yang in his own life is even more intriguing. I think he'd be a cool person to talk life with.