Thanks against me

You allow me to describe something so complex so easily:

"You cant get what you want from me and I can't get what I need from you"

today

today feels like a mission and I'm only just about to leave the house haha, I'm smiling though so all is alright. I'll make sure to listen to something happy in the last 4 minutes before I need to go.e

I started to proclaim the fact that I feel accomplished today already and it's only 9:42. I had an idea for a little story this morning and I actually made myself get out of bed and put down the basic structure before I started my real day. I think I just posted this so hopefully one day someone will bug me about it and then I'll actually be motivated to finish it because someone wants to read it haha.

here's some Bane lyrics too, I was reminded recently how great they are:

...and did i mention that there are still those days where i can hardly lift my head up from the pillow or looking out the window of the plane rooting for disaster? sometimes i just run out of reasons but the clock keeps ticking and the minutes keep coming and all i can do is rise to slaughter the hours let the air of these days killing time staring into corners or at strands of her hair waiting for the call that tells me where to next wishing i could trade these stupid words for hollow point shells before every move that i make equals check-mate did i just say her? this song is not for her no matter what i've said or longed for or that her name still moves along these walls lives in this pen (i've made promises) this song is for Buk, for 'Trane, for Wes, and for Marty who keeps their barrels oiled and ready the few that i would trade ten days to spend one hour with rare like a ruby at the bottom of the sea beautiful like the sparrow in the kittens jaw

and here is the happy song I put on just now:

2 important concepts

I was thinking about this tonight so I thought I might write about it. These are two concepts that I hold dear to my heart, ideas that I try to base my life around. I think they make sense.

The first is 'sustainability', not in the environmental sense, but in the personal sense. It is a very similar basic idea though, act in a way that will last in the long term. I believe strongly in looking at where certain behaviours will lead to in 1, 5, 10 ,20 years if I continue with that certain behaviour. It works with any situation, large or small. ie. If I use my friends and treat them like shit... at some point in time it will all fall apart and I will have no friends, if I spend too much money and live outside my means... I will be forever plagued with debt, if I keep dealing with people that emotionally drain me... one day I will fall apart and collapse, if I have no ambition to get out of the basic jobs I work now... in 10 years time it won't be as cool to work at a supermarket anymore etc. You get the idea. It is a very simple and powerful concept. I try and apply it to every part of my life and I think it serves to keep me in check fairly well. Sometimes I manage to get past it and act in ways that are obviously not sustainable, but the idea is so drummed into my head that the warning bells are always ringing and I have nothing to say to myself except 'told you so' when the unsustainable situation inevitably falls apart.

The next concept runs deeper, I call it 'permanence', it's my understanding of the interaction between friends. I believe that our close friends and groups of friends are a constantly evolving creature and should always be treated as such. I've seen so many situations where people get so caught up in the idea of a single 'best friend' that they give all of themselves to one person and are then ruined when that person leaves for whatever reason (person moves away, maybe issues in the friendship etc.) or fails to reciprocate the oneness expected by the other person. To me the concept of one 'best friend' seems like a childish idea. It just doesn't work in the adult world because it doesn't take into account ambition. I wish the best for all my close friends and I love to see people with big goals, even if those goals means they have to move away, have less time to hang out etc. I know that their may be another time when we will hang out again or maybe we'll just catch up every now and then, I don't mind. I don't want my friends to feel obliged to stick around for my sake, there's always other cool people looking for someone to hang out with.

This point can often become my achilles heel though. So many of my friends are busy with work, girlfriends, study etc. and because I don't want to be a burden, even when people say they'll always be there, I rarely call someone up when I just need someone to talk to. I normally just wait out the loneliness, try and sleep it off. thankfully, not too much of that has happened lately though and the last time it did, someone was there to hang out, I didn't even need to talk... just hang out.

I guess the issue with my view is that it keeps me from being very close to any one person, because I know that by nature, anybody, no matter how many years of friendship, needs to be replaceable. This is where the concept of sustainability comes into play here as well and we now cover the last close human interaction: relationships. I have spent most of my adult life searching for a long term relationship because of these concepts. I do want someone to be there for me, I do want someone that I can be close to all the time etc., but by definition, the only way that it can be sustainable is when you're in a relationship. It's the situation where it's a requirement to include someone else in your actions, my friends can happily decide to move overseas, move interstate etc. without considering me in their actions... but a girlfriend could not do the same. I think that is why I chase being in a relationship so much, because I rob myself of an extreme closeness with one person because it's not sustainable.

ps. sorry this writing is rough as hell, but the ideas are there...

Independence

It's kinda funny how quickly your feeling of independence can shatter around you. I've always prided myself on being an independent character (I drive, I solve my own problems, I pay my own way etc.), but such little things can put you in a state where you need the help of another. I came off my skateboard this afternoon and banged my elbow. It seemed fine at the time but now I can barely move my elbow at all. I managed to drive left handed to the doctor and now my x-ray, but I certainly don't feel like I could drive any decent distance. I don't even know if I'll be able to go to work tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll be able to manage driving to my friends' house tonight for dinner. My sister is coming over at 4 to drive me to a house inspection. I feel the worst! Not even because of the pain, I can deal with that, the ease of being stupidly reliant on other people is what kills me.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sleigh Bells!

The guitarist from when Poison the Well were amazing and a complete babe playing the catchiest music you've ever heard. They look like they mean business in this film clip:



So stoked to be seeing them in January.

Orwell

For Christmas, a friend gave me a copy of little book containing a few essay's written by George Orwell. The first essay (and the name of the book) is Why I Write, I think it was a really cool short read and due to the fact that it was written so long ago it's out of copyright and can be read online for free here. Go! All of Orwell's novels are actually available to read on the same website, but due to the fact that I'd hate to read a decent sized novel on a computer screen, I'd recommend getting the books. Animal Farm is pretty short though, you should all just read it online, you can find it here.

Broken

If my hands broken
It's broken in two
If my minds open
It's not open to you
If my heads soaking
It's soaking in brew

it's kinda sad...

when you know people too well and you start to become cynical. When you can take that step back and see that you don't really don't like the way they treat some people. The people that aren't new and exciting. How they can somehow justify treating these people without the respect they deserve. How they can lie to and ignore these people and then turn around and demand that the same damn people are there for them when they're upset and need someone to talk to. It's even sadder when they've treated other people the same way in the past, realised the error of their ways and (supposedly) vowed to not do it to people again.

It's even sadder when you know people too well and you know how they lie and bend the truth and their dishonesty never seems to bother you, because it's not directed at you. Then one day you turn around and it is. They're lying straight to your face and deep down you know you deserve it for putting faith in people that believe in lies and half truths as a legitimate way to interact with people.

one could also say, it's kinda sad that I blog about the failings of people, instead of going out and dealing with it.

I've learnt in life...

not to take things so personally, because they're often not intended to be taken as so. I hope in time, everyone else will learn the same.

a long time between drinks...

I know that I was riding around on my pet DINOSAUR when I was last regularly updating this blog with something even half readable, but I thought it can't hurt to try and start posting again. I do enjoy writing, even if the internet does have enough of it already (and I daresay I'm not adding anything of much worth to it now by doing this), but whatever, I'm allowed.

It's interesting how in finding themselves, people usually manage to push so many people away. I think the whole topic is interesting interesting because in becoming more comfortable with ourselves, the ultimate goal (in my eyes anyway) is to be able to interact better with the people around us. To love and understand others, you must learn to love and understand yourself first. It intrigues me how people seem to get it so wrong.


They just wake up one day and decide they want to be this new mature being, take on this new set of values, new look, new interests, new friends but they don't want to do the learning that comes with it. You don't find yourself in 24 hours, hell you probably never should, life is a constant search to be a better person. Be more loving, more efficient, more intelligent, more well thought out, more interesting etc.


It seems that to most people the word 'mature' just a synonym for 'I'll convince myself I'm right and mature and a good person and anyone who criticises my actions is clearly wrong, because I'm right and mature and a good person and I can do no wrong.' This is where the issues begin. To be an adult (an actual adult, not a child with an age > 18) you need to be self analytical, it 's the line that separates the men from the boys, the women from the girls. You should be at the point where when you wrong someone you know you've wronged them before they tell you. The point where you're mature enough to take critique on the chin and learn from it, the point where you don't have to win every argument.

When you get to the point in your life where you believe your opinions and actions are beyond critique, then quite frankly, you've missed the whole fucking point. You've gone full circle. You've gone back to being a child. Go back to preschool.

and when it was over

I woke up alone.