Sink or Swim

"It’s easy if you just jump in. It feels like you’ll either sink or swim out there on your own, but I think in their own way, everybody swims."

New Commandments for a New World

Tonight I stumbled upon this amazing video. Everyone's good friend Christoper Hitchens critiquing the ten commandments and then stating his own replacement for our modern world. Such a poignant list.

There is no god

Maybe I'm an arsehole, but this picture I took in Dymocks today makes me happy.

Live Export

For anyone that hasn't heard about it already, at the start of last week Four Corners and Animals Australia exposed the gross mistreatment of Australian beef cattle in Indonesian abattoirs. In the wake of this exposé, came a targeted campaign aimed at banning the live export of these cattle, in the hope that Australian cattle will not feel this level of suffering again.

The Gillard government’s reaction to all of this has been fairly admirable. Initially, they banned Australian cattle from being sent to twelve abattoirs in Indonesia deemed to be unfit for Australian cattle and this week, they have followed it up by halting live export to Indonesia for up to six months until the proper treatment of Australian cattle can be guaranteed. Animal welfare has been made paramount.

Obviously, the meat industry is not happy with the loss of income and some people are quite worried about how this will affect their rural communities. The Mayor of Cloncurry in outback QLD, went as far as saying that ‘Once again, it doesn't really matter about the old fella in the bush.’ In another article, Grazier Mike Thompson makes the ignorant comment that, ‘we've got a Government who's run by academics, no-one's ever felt what it's like to be in business and be vulnerable to going broke, because they'd all feel like the north end of Australia does at the moment - sick in the guts.’

In contrast to the government's response, some people seem ignorant of the fact that this is primarily an animal welfare issue. They fail to realise that their loss of profits does not excuse suffering. In one article I read, they interviewed a property owner who claimed that we should be more worried about how fish are treated on trawlers, ‘How about those people go and put their cameras on a trawler. They have ... cruelty to fish every day of the year. They are just dropped on the deck to die, run out of breath, suffocate ... something that you would never do to cattle.’ Because a cow being alive after having it's throat slit is really any more humane than what he described and even if it was, one example of worse suffering does not make other suffering exempt from inquiry.

As I write this, I am reminded of one of Al Gore's stories in The Inconvenient Truth. He talks of how his family used to be tobacco farmers, but when they found out about the harmful side effects of smoking, they left the industry. He claims that they felt a moral obligation to remove themselves from what is essentially a blood trade: profits reaped off the back of suffering.

He obviously uses it as an analogy for the moral duty we all have to decrease our reliance on fossil fuels and embrace a cleaner future, but I think his point is very poignant here too. What these farmers and their champions are failing to realise, is that they are part of a blood trade. If I ignore my own personal beliefs here and say that slaughter in Australia is a just and humane way to slaughter an animal, they are still part of a blood trade by sending their cattle to Indonesia. Their profits are created through the endless suffering of Australian cattle in Indonesia. They have a moral obligation to protect these cattle and if that can't be done, they can find their income (or lack of income) elsewhere.

What makes this all the more sinister (and really makes me feel for the farmers and livestock workers now caught up in this), is that Meat and Livestock Australia (MLA) has been working in Indonesia to improve the conditions for Australian cattle, for the last decade.

The Four Corners program showed that they have sent auditors to some of the same abattoirs that Four Corners and Animals Australia visited. However, their auditors came to the conclusion that the animals were treated quite well. A decade of 'improvement' and the conditions shown by Four Corners still exist.

This complacency indisputably shows that MLA does not care about the treatment of these cattle. I'm sorry, but it's not the Gillard government who sold out these farmers, like MLA are claiming, it's actually quite the opposite. Through their continued inaction, MLA has shown that they do not care about the welfare of Australian cattle and they have failed to create an environment where decent treatment of these animals would allow for a healthy long-term industry for everyone involved. If they’d done their job properly in the first place, Four Corners would have had nothing to report and so many people would not be in hot water right now.

I've Changed My Plea to Guilty

After much reflection, I've come to realise that any peace I have previously claimed to have with self-centredness was wrong. There was a time where I said (and obviously believed) things to the effect of 'people are selfish in nature, so you either accept that and live inside of it, or you accept the issues involved.'

Now that I've had more time to look at how 'looking out for #1' has affected my own life, I've come to the conclusion that my words were immature and ill thought out. A stain on what I think is normally a very fair and just view of human interaction in this world. (conceited hey?) I still believe that looking out for one's self first has it's place in certain fringe situations (that I may be inclined to explore at another date) but I think in the majority of situations, a compromise that mutually benefits all parties involved is the preferred outcome. I do not believe it is safe to preach or condone a self-centered worldview because a selfish need to 'win' at the expense of all others, is generally not a healthy longterm outcome. Even more so when it can be interpreted as the belief that one can do whatever they want, without the need to consider how their actions will affect other people.

I refuse to believe any longer, that our 'command and conquer' nature is an excuse to step on others to get to what we want. As much as we can continue to try and hide behind the fact that we're 'just animals', I'm not going to fall for it. Empathy is an innate part of the human condition that exists inside everyone (that isn't a sociopath). To ignore it, and marginalise the discourse of those whose faces end up underneath our boots, is to deny what makes us human. I refuse to accept that selfishness is a valid response to the world we live in.

'Be the change you want to see in the world.', Gandhi

'Since I replaced the I in live with an o, I can't remember who you are.', Thursday Tomorrow I'll Be You

Queen of Hearts

"Dawn breaks across this town and a new dawn breaks for me. I couldn't take the pains of the underclass, trying to smile through gritted teeth. We must now all join up and throw off the shackles of shame. United we can't be defeated, they shall hear us proclaim. I placed it in his hand. Comrades must have seen the sparks. I couldn't understand what happened to my heart. Hello, your name is David, I am Veronica, let's be together, until the water swallows us. Hello, you must be David, I am Veronica - let's be together, until we're all finally crushed."

go download this song here, album of the millenia.

Thoughts.

I wrote this at the end of my work day today.

I often feel too apprehensive with my writing. I’m so scared of not producing perfect output that I just sit there and write nothing, failing to realise that writing nothing leaves you with well… nothing. Writing down rough ideas at least gives one a base to work with.

There’s so many topics in my head that feel like they’re stuck there squeezing on the inside of my skull because they’re too dense for me to ever feel like I can capture them properly on paper and I really don’t talk about a lot of things with people anymore.

As much as I’ve always believed in honesty (and still do) I find I keep more of the important stuff to myself these days. I don’t really feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of many people anymore. My ideas and even a lot of my surface level frustrations, I throw out all the time but my emotional responses? Well I keep those to myself. I could write a thesis based on whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, so I’ll leave that point for another day.

Today, I’m thinking about my father a lot. I find that as I get older it’s something that has started to bother me a lot more. I guess the reality of the fact that my father will probably die before we have any kind of proper adult relationship starts to become more and more realistic as I’ve gotten older. When I was 15 or 16, I was never really thinking about the longterm, it always seemed like things like this could be left to the idea of ‘tomorrow’. I think I believed that in the future life would just sort itself out.

(Sometimes to my detriment) I’ve fought hard for a lot of things in my life, but in this situation, sadly I feel like a defeatist. I seem content to just be sitting here writing about something like this instead of actually doing anything about it. I think it stems from the fact that it feels too late. This life has gone on so long that the only father I know anymore is a failure and I think that even the most powerful epiphany in the world couldn’t save him from the hole he’s dug himself into or give us the time to ever develop anything real.

Sadly, I think a lot of people don’t understand my relationship with my father and how it’s affected so much of my life. I’m not saying that as some kind of dig to anybody, it’s just sad that I’ve spent most of my life taking it all on alone. From my mid teenage years till now and on into perpetuity, I’ve been propelled/will continue to be propelled through the world based on the need to, in as many ways as possible, not be my father.

The part of this that most people are familiar with is why I don’t drink. It’s hard to justify even having one drink when you think of the life you maybe would’ve had if it didn’t exist. The only father I can remember from the last at least 5 years of my life is an alcoholic, before that I don’t think I would’ve been aware enough to notice.

I think everything else it has caused in my development isn’t really as obvious.

I feel like a lot of pressure rides on my shoulders. I’ve always seen my father as a man with great potential that never got there. I think he’s more intelligent than I am. I’m mainly theoretical, whereas his practical knowledge surpasses anything I think I will ever be able to obtain in my life. It’s criminal that he never had any further education than his trade certificate and a large part of the reason I have always tried to push myself academically is because I hope that I will reach the height of my potential that he never did.

I can remember my mum telling me that dad always made excuses, ‘oh I only drink because I’m doing night shift’ and I’ve heard him with my own ears always having someone else to blame for everything that has gone wrong in his life. Anything to avoid having to look inside and maybe realise that anything has fallen apart based on him.

Because of that, I’ve spent a whole life finding the things I have done wrong and blaming myself first whenever anything falls apart, all in the hope that I never end up like that. Sometimes when I mull over everything I realise that things aren’t my fault but I don’t want to ever blame someone else for something that fell apart because of me.

In some ways my life feels like one big journey to become the best father I can be. I don’t drink so I can never become an alcoholic. I study engineering so I can (hopefully) have enough money to allow me to not have to worry about money when I’m raising children. I have spent my whole life (and probably will continue to spend the rest of my life) trying to be humble and understand sustainable ways to interact with people in the hope that it means I have a healthy home life for myself, my future wife and my future children.

I don’t think many people understand how serious all of this stuff feels in my head.

I know this is a bit personal for a public blog but I just wanted to clear my head. I’ve been meaning to cover it in more depth (and may in the future) but I think half the reason I write in the first place is the hope that through words I can somehow calm some of the storm in my head (cliché I know) that threatens to devour me some days, so if that is the manifesto, I guess this fits in well with that.

Death.

I think everybody should read the top post here. It brings to mind a lot of questions about death and whether it's better to have the chance to die on your own terms or not, but at the same time it's just harrowing. I don't know what else to say, I'll let Derek speak for himself.

Choice

Choice is an integral part of the free world. It is the practical application of freedom: A framework that allows one to live out the life they please, on every level, as long as it doesn’t harm their fellow man. The issue I have with the ideal of choice I just mentioned is that the reality of it is rarely this pure. Throughout my life I have seen enough examples of one’s choice being subtly thwarted by another to believe that just living in a world where choice is available really means anything.

The issue of choice has returned to my head because of the burka ban recently coming into effect in France and the talk of a hijab ban as well. Basically, under the premise that the burka (and other Muslim veils) are oppressing women, they have been banned in public in France. The response has been that these women have a choice. They choose to dress in this way and the government should not be telling them how to dress in a ‘free’ society. I don’t think it’s all this simple.

The reactions described above serve to remind me of one thing: the fact that so many people filter the world through their own naiveté. They seem to lack the ability to realise that for some people, things aren’t so clear-cut. Do people really believe that just because someone lives in a free country means they enjoy the complete legal freedom that that country offers? A society based on freedom has no way of guaranteeing freedom for its inhabitants and it’s obvious why: because most people live out of their lives in sub-societies, where the beliefs and laws of the sub-society became the most important. These laws have no requirement to be based on freedom and not everyone has the strength to oppose them. There is a very big difference between having choice and feeling strong enough to exercise it.

This is also an obvious point to convey: it has to do with what is at stake. A decision to go against the status quo can have humungous repercussions for some people. I know it can be hard for some people to imagine (because I too think it is a basic human right) but not everyone exists in a situation where their individuality and opinions are seen as positive creations. I’m not too familiar with the practices of Muslims so I’m going to mainly use a Christian example here, but the principles are the same.

Let’s take me for example. I’m an atheist. I have not lost anything in my life by making this decision because my home life was not religious based. Neither of my parents seem religious and they don’t seem annoyed that I’m not either. I’m a baptised Catholic but only to please my grandparents, who have actually never asked if I’m religious or not. The sub-society of my home life was generally based on freedom. As long as I put the effort my parents expected into my schoolwork, I was within reason allowed to do whatever I wanted in my free time. I was expected to do tertiary education, but I was allowed to choose whatever I wanted. I was never told to think a certain way.

Now let’s explore the theoretical counter-example. His name is John. John is 21 years old, the same age as me. John was born into a Catholic family and from a young age was told to identify as a Catholic. He was taken to church every weekend and was sent to a Catholic school with other Catholic children. He met all of his friends through the church or through his Catholic education. He is now studying at the Australian Catholic University to be a teacher. He identifies himself as primarily a Catholic. He doesn’t believe in evolutionary theory. He believes the world is 10,000 years old. He has no urge to have sex before he gets married. He still goes to church every weekend and he has just started dating a girl, Jane, that he met through church.

Now let’s fast-forward a decade. John is now 31. 7 years ago he married Jane in their church and they now have 2 beautiful Catholic children. John teaches Maths and Science at a Catholic high school, Jane teaches English at the same school. Lately, John has been having his doubts about religion. Jane’s parents were just killed in a horrific car accident; he wonders how God could’ve let this happen to two kind Catholic people. He keeps his doubts to himself though; his whole life is based on his faith and he can’t imagine a life without it.

Now, after reading all that theorising, who is willing to put their hand up and say that in that situation they’d be willing to choose a life without religion? John’s whole life is part of the Catholic sub-society, where he is expected to believe in Catholicism. He has invested 31 years of his life into a Catholic existence. He is employed at a Catholic school. His wife is Catholic. His children are Catholic. His siblings are Catholic. His parents are catholic. His friends are Catholic. If John gives up his faith he potentially loses all that. 31 Years. I wouldn’t blame John for just burying his doubts and continuing with his life as it is. John doesn’t exist in a sub-society where choice is championed and without even realising it, he’s made the stakes so high that he’s virtually stuck in it.

I have no doubt that for some Muslim women, it all feels similar to John’s life. Raised in a household where your mother and your grandmother wore the burka or hijab, where you father’s wife and his grandmother wore the burka or the hijab. Where your friend’s mothers wear the burka or the hijab. Where your mother’s friends wear the burka or the hijab. Where further down the track your husband will expect you to wear the burka or the hijab. When you exist in a sub-society where every woman wears it, do you really have a choice to not do the same? Are you strong enough to face the opposition?

In most situations choice is not as clear-cut as we’d like it to be. A proper understanding of the ramifications (or even just the perceived ramifications) involved is important before any judgment can be made as to how ‘free’ some people really are.

I, Robot

Sometimes I don't even feel like myself. I feel like this robot subject in some gargantuan social experiment for my brain to go home and analyse. My thoughts, my actions, my emotional reactions, all just another set of data to be analysed and added to the pool of knowledge. I'm a robot that interacts with the world through a set of laws that are updated regularly based on the conclusions of in-house social analysis. Constant tweaks and the occasional rushed emergency repair when the laws lead me astray and it all starts to go flying sideways. The official response is that the feeling lost and the freakouts and the moodswings are just bugs in the code. 'They'll be ironed out in the next revision.' It seems longterm happiness is a bit harder to create though: 'Some kind of longterm happiness? You'll have to wait a while for that one. That's still a couple of horizons away. We don't have all the answers we're looking for yet. Hell, buddy, I'm sorry to say it, but we may never.'

Escapism

When I'm at work just reading in the lunchroom I sometimes wonder about where the people that always piss off somewhere on their lunchbreaks go. So I made an interesting story up!

‘Where do you always disappear to?’ he asked, he could never work out why she didn’t just stay in the lunchroom like everyone else.

‘I think it’s so depressing in here. There isn’t even a window. Most days I take myself up to the roof and I sit on the bonnet of my car, slowly smoking cigarettes and just watch the city. The view is great, you can see everything. All of the CBD, the galleries at south bank, the big ferris wheel. It's much prettier at night because everything looks better lit up in front of a dark backdrop, but I still love it during the day. The whole scene is so peaceful. For that hour, I forget I even have a job.'

Reconciliation

I've been going through my notebook tonight and finding what I think is worth typing up and adding to this blog. In between all the nonsense, I think I got some things down pretty well. I wrote this about two months ago, the sentiment seems just as poignant today.

I've found that there's a very fine line between reconciliation and just giving it up. Sometimes it feels like the bullshit will never end and the time it would take to get to the bottom of everything seems too long to justify even trying. You need to work out if where you started was even good enough to justify trying to get back there at all and if it will even feel right when you get there, instead of just an apparition from the past. Whether it's worth pulling your barriers down and being at your most vulnerable in front of someone else, in the hope that they'll respond positively to that and do the same. Whether you can let go of the things they've said and done in frustration that have hurt you. Whether you truly understand how your own frustrated words and actions have hurt them. Most importantly, whether you've both truly learnt anything or if you'll just fall back into the same bullshit you were trying to escape.

the Truth

I used to own this little boat. It had a unique power source: it was powered by the truth. Every day I was honest, it traveled further away. I wanted to see it circumnavigate the whole world, so I dedicated my whole life to being honest. Some days I'd slip up and he'd just get carried by the waves, but most days I did alright. I could watch him slowing traversing the world on my map at home every night. Then I woke up one day and my boat wasn't moving. I tried to be the most honest I'd ever been, but my boat wouldn't budge. I guess the truth didn't matter anymore.

Bored.

I wrote this down a couple of weeks ago in my notebook when I was trying to collect ideas I could write about. Seems I can be rude sometimes.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you realise that you really are repulsed by the bile escaping their mouth?
That every idea they have is so fucking simple that the conversation seems meaningless?
The things they worry about so minuscule and first world and ultimately so simple to solve that if they really wanted to be, they could be happy?
And to make matters worse, they're either too stupid or too self absorbed to pick up how fucking bored you are.

Worry

"Some things are hard to remember. I'm thinking now of when Stradlater got back from his date with Jane. I mean I can't remember exactly what I was doing when I heard his goddam stupid footsteps coming down the corridor. I probably was still looking out the window, but I swear I can't remember. I was so damn worried, that's why. When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go."

Holden Caulfield, the protagonist in J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye

seems like me sometimes

Sprinting with Purpose

It’s rare that I take the time to stop and recharge my batteries. Everything is always go, go, go. I hate my lifestyle some days, but other days it all falls into place and there’s nothing that puts a bigger smile on my face than knowing that I’m doing something.

My life is late nights crashing into early mornings, fighting the alarm and already formulating my excuses for the start of the day as I jump into the shower. “I’ll go to bed earlier tomorrow night.” Rushing through breakfast as I pack my bag. Hurriedly fixing my hair and ironing my shirt before I sprint out the door, wondering if I took lady luck’s fancy today and she’ll deliver me to my destination on the good side of the hour. Everyday I’m forced to interact with people, to learn and to earn. Often there’s barely enough time to go around but it instills me with a purpose and a strange manifesto: “Money is freedom, knowledge is power and sleep is the enemy.”

I like my life because I’ve been forced to live a lot more now than I used to. You can spend so much time theorising but you learn so much more in practice. Every victory, every failure, every argument, every apology, every discussion, every new situation and every new idea, all offer something not available in the theoretical world: real emotion.

I look at myself today and I feel like the best person I’ve ever been. More comfortable but also more open to change, more powerful but also more fragile, more decisive but also more flexible, more commanding but also more understanding.

Some days I feel a restlessness whose strength I have not felt in my whole life sweep through my entire body. I struggle to explain it but I think it stems from the fact that I expect so much more from life now than I ever have before: I’m no longer content with a day just being another day.

A good interview

Christopher Hitchens is one of my favourite minds at the moment. I think it might be that I recently finally got around to reading 'God is Not Great' and I always seem to go giddy at the knees when someone takes the battle to religion or the fact that he wears his admiration of George Orwell on his sleeve as much as I do.

These videos are a two part interview with Christopher Hitchens from last year, when he was in Australia promoting his recent memior Hitch 22 (that has been at the top of my 'to read' list for a while now). I think it serves to humanise him a bit, while also serving as a good introduction to who he is. The first half is absolutely gut wrenching, a bit intense for morning radio. His talk of the Iraq war here is interesting as well.

Thomas Hooper

I figured if I one day want to start putting my blog out in the open again, I should try and post on it regularly with things that are somewhat interesting. I saw this today and thought it was so cool that I should post it.

Thomas Hooper is one of my favourite tattooists in the world. His detail is INSANE. I'm sometimes not the biggest fan of tattooists without colour but his blackwork is ridiculous, so I'll make an exception. He works in NYC and one of my dreams in life at the moment is to get tattooed by him if I ever get a chance to go back to NYC. I'll save like a grand and get him to tattoo my side or something.

The blog post I'm linking here are some healed shots of a sleeve he did a while back, anyone familiar with the band Hope Conspiracy will notice that their latest 7" artwork (that Hooper did) is part of this sleeve. How cool it looks tattooed is half the reason I'm linking this, but the rest of the sleeve really shows off how good he is in general. Suss the rest of the blog, lots of cool stuff to look at. So many big epic pieces that make me go 'wow'.

I like how he makes an effort to put the whole person into all of the photos he takes. He said in an old blog that it's important to capture the person in the tattoo as well because it adds so much more to meaning of it all. I like when people believe in the ultimately personal nature of tattooing.

http://meditationsinatrament.com/2011/04/17/doubt-can-only-be-removed-by-action-2/

Drinking

A friend of mine linked this on facebook tonight, it's such a good article (and not just because I don't drink). I'm going to let it speak for itself...

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/high-sobriety-20110409-1d8gz.html

Betrayed

for some reason I had an urge to put the Betrayed 'Addiction' EP on this morning. They got a bit shitty after this EP, but these 6 songs were gold. Understand and the next song A Light in the Dark are some of the best hardcore lyrics I've ever read. I saw Betrayed in 2006 when they toured with IA and Champion, they were amazing. I saw them play at Burning Fight in 2009 and wasn't really that into it. I think their time past. Maybe releasing an album with a production that sounded extremely flat and dead and sucked the life out of all the good songs they re-recorded for it didn't help? I've never bothered to buy their new EP. Here is their best song and it's lyrics though:

'A Light in the Dark'

Searching for a light in the dark
So much loss in your life, you're feeling left behind
And there's a struggle going on inside
Yeah I saw it in your eyes tonight
It's got you thinking like there's nothing you can do
But there's something you can do
You live
Burn all white flags to the ground
And know it in your heart that you can never surrender
Can't just get back up, you've got to look inside
Because you're searching for a light in the dark
Don't just carry on, because there's something more
And you're searching for a light in the dark
I know you're feeling like you can't go on man
Yeah I heard it in your voice tonight
It's got you feeling lik there's nothing you can do
But there's something you can do
You can light the way
Can't just get back up, it's time to look inside
Yes, you become that light in the dark
Can't just carry on, I'm asking you to light the way

Everything Went Black

I wrote this this morning on the bus and since I got home I've debated whethere to post it or not. It's certainly not very positive, let's put it this way. I do like it though, I'll probably end up putting it in my next zine, but for now, here it is. It's obviously about feeling betrayed and left for dead. The mature answer to that situation is of course to just get out of it and not care. It's obviously never as easy as that though, this is my testament to when I kind of lost the plot I guess.

If there's one thing in life I'm glad I've forgotten,
It's what it feels like to be cast away and left for dead by people that you thought cared
It stomps on your self esteem and then throws it to the dogs,
And you just sit there, not even knowing what to do, wondering what fatal flaw you must have to be treated that way
You'll be sad, you'll be angry
You'll want to cry and you'll want to scream, sometimes at the same time.
You'll certainly make excuses in your head for people that don't deserve it
Youll spend so much time trying to fill a void, while not really having the foresight to understand how to do it sustainably
You'll try to define yourself by any little thing that lets you feel a bit less shitty than you do every other day
You'll build things on bad foundations and then be surprised when they fall apart
Your emotions will make a fool of you more times than you can count
Some days it'll feel like you're holding onto your sanity by nothing more than a thread
You'll think you're fine and happy, but look back in a year and know you weren't
And in all the bullshit and frustration it gets hard to remember which parts of yourself were actually important in the first place
You'll want to pick up the pieces, but you'll struggle to remember what the puzzle looked like before the pieces were scattered
All that you can hope, is that you don't alienate too many people while you're out trying to put it all back together in your own way

On Sunday night I wrote a zine. It's only one page but I think it's a cool start. Plz hit me up if you would like one.

Beauty

As an atheist, I think I've often struggled to explain to people that a world that has only evolved by chance is not devoid of beauty. There is a beauty in how rare it is that we exist at all. and similarly, there is a beauty in the uniqueness of human interaction.

One of the best examples I have found in literature to explain the beauty of our world is in the graphic novel Watchmen, during a conversation between two of the main characters, Doctor Manhattan (a superhero created from radiation basically, a man that can control physics with his will and generally fails to understand people because of his inability to think without logic) and Laurie (his estranged wife) on the planet mars. After losing Laurie, Doctor Manhattan decides he has noting else tying him to the human race, so he retreats to Mars, Laurie hopes to convince him to come home. Laurie has just found out that her father is in fact a man she has hated her whole life.

I've taken this conversation from a script on the internet of the Watchmen movie:

          LAURIE
          The comedian is my father. I guess my
         life is just one big joke.

          DR. MANHATTAN
          I don't think your life is a joke.

          LAURIE
          Well, of course you're going to say that.

          DR. MANHATTAN
          But I've changed my mind. There are
         miracles in your world that are worth
         preserving.

          LAURIE
          What? But you were saying--


          DR. MANHATTAN
          I tried to explain. Thermodynamic
         miracles--events with odds against so
         astronomical, like oxygen turning into
         gold. I have longed to witness such a
         thing and yet I neglect that in human
         coupling, millions upon millions of cells
         compete to create life over generation
         after generation: Until finally, your
         mother loves a man--Edward Blake, the
         Comedian--a man she has every reason to
         hate. And out of that contradiction,
         against unfathomable odds, it was you,
         only you, that emerged. To distill so
         specific a form from all of that chaos;
         Your creation is like... turning air
         into gold. A miracle.

          LAURIE
          But if my birth is a miracle you, you
         could say that about anyone.

          DR. MANHATTAN
          Yes, anyone in the world. But the world
         is so crowded with miracles that they
         become commonplace and we forget. I
         forget.

         They stand there in silence. Connected for the first time in
          years.

          DR. MANHATTAN
          Now. Dry your eyes.
      

          DR. MANHATTAN
          And let's go home.

Fighting

I wrote this tonight after thinking about arguments. I've written about before (and then later taken the post down) about how after fighting with some people, I've felt like I meant nothing to them because of how hard we'd fought. I felt like if they wanted to keep me around, maybe they would have been a bit more restrained. I then thought about some of the arguments I've started in my own life and how often I fight to the death as well. I just hope people understand that I do care, I just believe in honesty more than I believe in keeping the peace/things being easy.

If there's anything I've started to realise these days,
it's that by nature I'm more fighter than lover, you could say.
I've spent a lifetime trying to change it,
but I still can't always beat it.
I doubt it helps that I have this chip on my shoulder,
from a year spent living as a constant fold-er.
It all fucks with my head,
and makes me lash out when I sense a threat.

Because so often it gets lost in the storm of the day to day,
there's something important I want to say:

That just because I fight with you and I fight hard,
doesn't mean that I don't care immensely.
I may hate it sometimes, but I believe in our honesty.
It's rewarding, even if it isn't easy.

With Every Intention

the Ocean

Why does the feeling of extreme clarity only ever appear in the calm water after a crippling storm?

Why does the beacon of absolute truth only shine on the horizon in the early hours of the morning, when half the time it's already too late for anyone to be saved?

A Danger to Myself and Others

I've been really digging the new Most Precious Blood album lately. It ticks all the boxes of a good hardcore album: heavy, angry and decently intelligent. These are the lyrics to the first song 'A Danger to Myself and Others', they're a bit bleak to start with, but I dig the sentiment at the end:

This is my most heartfelt spit in the face
to every one of you who represent this place.
Every word is a knife between the ribs
of every single member of the fucking human race.
Live day by day because life is cold.
It's apathetic and ill-disposed.
No one makes the promise that you'll survive.
When death sees fit to close your eyes it keeps them closed.
This is a place only for those who endure and recognize
the simplest law of nature: you die if you don't grow.
The law of these times: abandon all hope.

Running

life feels like a constant battle between heart and mind
preaching robotic logic while struggling to get out of bed on time
fueled by self blame and self loathing
chased by a constant fear of failing
as I run from the present, run from the past
failing to realise, the writing's already on the glass
drunk with purpose, seeing in black and white
claiming to hate arrogance, still thinking I'm right
judge my enemies, judge my friends
claim to want peace, but won't let the issues end
cut the brakes so there's no way out
it's either hit the wall or ride it out

oh harro

I haven't posted a real blog in ages it seems. Tonight I was looking through a new pile of records I had and I found some really cool lyrics in a place I wasn't really expecting to find cool, personal lyrics, the last Remembering Never album. About feeling like you're nothing, but at the same time accepting it and moving on with things I guess.

"Please Don't Let My Mother Read This"

From the bottom of the barrel
And I'm still here
We all would like to think that we are more important than we are
I am nothing
It's not hard to understand
I've known it all along since birth
I've never had a sense of pride
I've never had a shred of hope
Believing in myself would be the death of my sincerity
Kill the lights
Face to face with myself
I know that I am nothing
Face to face with myself
I am nothing
This isn't a cry for help
This isn't reaching out
I wonder what this life would be like without me
This isn't even close to my suicide note

Dead Ends

Some days there just seems to be no motivation. Not a single thought in my head seems homogeneous enough to yield even a line of worthy prose.

You know what?

It's almost humourous how rude I can be to myself some days.

Lights Out

A finale is a finale. No open ended cliffhanger endings. No director's cuts. No sequels. Certainly no remakes.

Why is it so hard to create new ideas that we're instead content with making a mockery of old ones?

Given Flight by Demon's Wings

This way always one of my favourite Shai Hulud songs. I think the point it makes is very intelligent and deals with an issue that a lot of people see: how the good nature of people can be destroyed by the world around us. I always saw the character in the song as a gentle person at heart lamenting the fact that he feels the world has turned him into a monster. I feel like some days I can relate. When I meet people that seem bitter about the world, it makes me think about this song.


this is not my true nature.
i was not born as what i have come to be.

to be gentle again...

an angel's heart given flight by demon's wings faces certain death.

do not let this exterior deceive you.
i can easily crush your spirit.
my wounds bleed truth,
their voices are caustic,
and with the words...
a nasty sting from aim and precision of fact.

"how can you be so cruel?"

it is not who i am,
as it is the hate i feel.

i am a demon,
a vicious fiend.
let me alone.
i am a demon with a penchant
for other's misery.
i am a demon,
a vicious fiend.
let me alone
in peace
to be the beast of a man
the world has made me.

i am prepared to fight humanity every day
for the rest of my life,
albeit, my mind and body
yearn for tranquility.

people that should earn my love
consistently warrant my hate.
i truly resent this.

breathe easy, friend.
let not bitter fruit sour your breath.
you were once a gentleman.

when friends fail,
and mother is gone;
when god is silent,
and mates fall out of love...

i still wake to confrontation,
alone, and unflinching.

i am not simply strong,
i may very well be the strongest man
that ever lived.

Long Day

Today is my first day back at my weekday job since before Christmas. Today is a punishing day. Not because I hate my job, but just because there's not much to do. I have stuff planned after 2:30PM, but for now I'm stuck here waiting for something and with nothing else to do, so I decided I'd write something.

One big theme at my job is personal development. Being all you can be, being a 'tall poppy' and being proud of it etc. It all seems a bit wanky but I also think it's been very helpful. It's nice to be an environment where people are encouraged to do their best and be happy (because half the people I meet in my own life seem to be committed to the art of not being happy). The '21 Suggestions for Success' is framed on a wall in the office and I've always felt that it speaks the truth. The full list can be found here.

The list gives a great summary of the kind of character traits that I think are important. A lot is already traits I try to have (being honest, loyal, caring, committed to self improvement, try and treat people how I'd like to be treated etc.) but I think it's also put ideas in my head that are helping me improve as a person. I used to find I could be quite indecisive a lot of the time, but now I just think to myself "be decisive, even if means you'll be wrong sometimes" and I make my choice.

Mother Nature

I wrote this cool little short story on Saturday. I had the first idea in the morning, drafted it out on paper during the day and then typed it up that night. It's called 'Mother Nature'. I wrote it because it deals with an issue that seems to afflict me a lot. I have very high standards of how I conduct myself and because of that, I also have high standards of other people. I find that often I set the bar too high and I need to remind myself that no one is perfect. People won't always do what I think they should be doing.

"Mother Nature"

Today I’m not feeling very happy. I have a special friend that I go see when I’m not happy. She has the most beautiful home in the world. Sometimes she’s too busy to give me the best advice, she always listens. I feel bad that I only go see her when I’m not happy, but I know she understands. I’m going to go see her today. I hope she has time to give me advice.

It doesn’t take me very long to walk to her home because she is pretty much my neighbour. I have the path memorised for myself, but I’ll describe it to you because you may need her help one day. She is a very good listener. I’m sure she’d listen to you too. I walk out my back door and follow the brown dirt path until it hits a little river. The river is very little, so I call it Little River. Here I always stop for a second to look at the little fish in Little River. Some days they seem to stop and say ‘hi!’ to me, some days they don’t. Oh well. I then follow the river north for what feels like aeons and where a big branch has fallen across the river, I cross. I walk straight ahead from here and then I need to push my way through some little Angry Shrubs. The Angry Shrubs seem to have made it their life’s mission to keep my special friend and I apart because they seem to get bigger and more annoying every time I come here. Oh well. Once I have forced my way past the Angry Shrubs, the forest finishes and there is a little cliff face looking out over a gigantic grassy plain. I call it Baby Cliff because one day I hope it grows up into the big cliffs I see on the TV sometimes. This is my special friend’s home. It is such a beautiful place.

In the late afternoons the setting sun casts it’s red glow over my special friends’ home and I always panic for a second. I think everything is on fire! My special friends home is on fire! Then I realise that is stupid and I should be grateful: the sun is just being a little artist and painting a beautiful picture for my special friend and I to enjoy. Oh yes, I almost forgot to introduce you to myself special friend. Her name is Mother Nature. She is everywhere here. She is a very good listener.

I sit down, hanging my legs over Baby Cliff. It is mid afternoon and the world is silent, even the wind and the animals seem to have gone on vacation somewhere. My special friend and I have her whole home to ourselves. Now feels like the perfect time for me to speak.

“Mother Nature, today I am upset because I feel like everyone always lets me down. It is a constant source of grief in my life. I just can’t be happy with the people around me because they always seem to let me down. I just don’t like how they act sometimes. I don’t feel they live up to the standards I expect of them.”, I paused for a second to collect my thoughts. I wanted to be careful. I don’t like to cry in front of my special friend.

“My parents tell me to not swear and I try my best not to because I know it’s wrong but then I hear them swearing and while I do really love them, I still feel let down. I know it’s wrong to chuck a wobbly to get your way but then I see my older sister yell and scream at mum and dad to get what she wants and while she’s great most of the time, I still feel let down. My best friend John always lies to his parents saying he’s coming over to study, when all we do is kick the soccer ball. It’s really fun, but I know being sincere is important, so I feel let down.”, I paused again for a second. I was starting to sniffle. That meant I’d cry soon. I had to be careful. I continued:

“I met this girl named Sally at school. I used to think she was really cool. The other day she showed me this thing called a ‘lighter’. It made flames. I thought it was so cool. I asked her where she got it because I wanted one too. She said she stole it off her parents. I know stealing is very wrong so I felt let down. The next day I told her we couldn’t be friends anymore. She didn’t seem to understand why.”, this time I needed to stop for ages, I felt a single tear roll down my cheek and disappear. I felt bad that my special friend had to see me this way. I try to be strong, but sometimes I struggle when I’m emotional. I wasn’t finished talking to her, so I had to take a couple of deep breaths and continue:

“What is wrong with me Mother Nature? I have made everyone in my life a let down to me. I don’t think it’s them, I think it’s me. Are my standards too high? Am I meant to feel let down all the time? Is that just the way life is?”, I was starting to cry too much, I was finished.

The moment I stopped speaking, I closed my eyes and started to breathe softly. I was trying to become one with my special friend’s home. I hoped it would make her think I was worthy of a reply. I do this every time I finish speaking to her. Deep down, while she is my special friend, I didn’t think she’d have time for such trivial matters today.

Just as I was about to open my eyes and head home, I felt the wind start to pick up around me. I let the whooshes and swishes of the wind float into my body through my ears and start to tickle my soul. I could faintly hear something foreign in the wind, for the first time in my life, my special friend had decided to speak to me.

Her voice sounded like a beautiful choir playing far enough away that I could just make out their lyrics if I tried my hardest to focus. “Yes and no my little friend,” she whispered into my ear. “Any human being able to survive this world without being let down is would be a very lucky human being indeed. You are forgetting one important detail here: That every human being is just that, a human being. No one is perfect my little friend. You must teach yourself how to embrace them as they are…”

Lupe fiasco

Lupe fiasco is a character that has always interested me. While looking at the wikipedia page for his first album 'Food and Liquor', I found this quote that exemplifies the reasons why I find him so interesting:

'The title reflects on me being Muslim and being from the streets,' says Lupe about FOOD & LIQUOR. 'In Chicago, instead having bodegas like in New York, the majority of the corner stores are called ‘Food and Liquors.' The store is where everything is at, whether it be the wine-o hanging by the store, or us as kids going back and forth to the store to buy something. The ‘Food' is the good part and the ‘Liquors' is the bad part. I try to balance out both parts of me.'

A Muslim in a genre where so many people seem to be concerned about nothing more than drugs, money and sex is interesting by default, his need to find the balance between yin and yang in his own life is even more intriguing. I think he'd be a cool person to talk life with.